Jokes
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News; Fishermen blew up train
Russian fishermen accidentally blew up a train using dynamite they planned to use to help them catch fish. Dynamite fishing is illegal in Russia but very popular as the blast stuns the fish, which then float to the surface and can be scooped from the water. But the trio of anglers from Olenevod in eastern Russia were caught by police after the explosives went off inside a train from Vladivostok to Ussurisk. The blast destroyed part of the carriage, but no passengers were hurt.
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Russian fishermen accidentally blew up a train using dynamite they planned to use to help them catch fish. Dynamite fishing is illegal in Russia but very popular as the blast stuns the fish, which then float to the surface and can be scooped from the water. But the trio of anglers from Olenevod in eastern Russia were caught by police after the explosives went off inside a train from Vladivostok to Ussurisk. The blast destroyed part of the carriage, but no passengers were hurt.
Fish Storys
A young man and an old man were fishing on a pier.The young man started telling the old one that the night before he caught a trout that was over 3 1/2 foot long. The old man replied "Oh yea, well I was here 2 nights ago and I hooked something huge. After a 30 minute fight I finaly got it up and it was an old lantern and the thing was still lit." The young man said "Your lying. I can't believe that." Then the old man said "I'll tell you what, you knock a couple of foot off your trout and I'll blow out my lantern."
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A young man and an old man were fishing on a pier.The young man started telling the old one that the night before he caught a trout that was over 3 1/2 foot long. The old man replied "Oh yea, well I was here 2 nights ago and I hooked something huge. After a 30 minute fight I finaly got it up and it was an old lantern and the thing was still lit." The young man said "Your lying. I can't believe that." Then the old man said "I'll tell you what, you knock a couple of foot off your trout and I'll blow out my lantern."
Great Catch?...
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend. "Why shouldn't I?" Jane inquired. "Well, maybe he is having an affair?" "No way, he returns every time without any fish..."
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Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend. "Why shouldn't I?" Jane inquired. "Well, maybe he is having an affair?" "No way, he returns every time without any fish..."
Naive Priest...
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man." As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
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A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see," said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man." As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
Fishing rules...
Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.
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Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.
Fish and Chips...
One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery. A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."
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One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery. A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."
News Story---UK...
A 16-YEAR-OLD boy slapped a girl across the face with a dead fish.The incident happened at Lightburn Park on May 20 after a 60-strong group of students were celebrating leaving school.The boy told the court he was holding a mackerel and was gutting the dead fish with his fingers and the girl poured beer down his neck . The boy told the court he then hit the girl with the fish which resulted in pieces of fish becoming stuck in her hair.The teenager said: I was just messing about with the fish, having a laugh, when the girl poured beer down my neck. I was laughing and I just got hold of the fish and started hitting her. The girl who appeared via video link, claimed that she went up to the boy, told him he was out of order and then shoved him. She said the boy then grabbed her coat, threw her to the ground and kicked her . But the boy told the court that the girl had fallen and he was not responsible.
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A 16-YEAR-OLD boy slapped a girl across the face with a dead fish.The incident happened at Lightburn Park on May 20 after a 60-strong group of students were celebrating leaving school.The boy told the court he was holding a mackerel and was gutting the dead fish with his fingers and the girl poured beer down his neck . The boy told the court he then hit the girl with the fish which resulted in pieces of fish becoming stuck in her hair.The teenager said: I was just messing about with the fish, having a laugh, when the girl poured beer down my neck. I was laughing and I just got hold of the fish and started hitting her. The girl who appeared via video link, claimed that she went up to the boy, told him he was out of order and then shoved him. She said the boy then grabbed her coat, threw her to the ground and kicked her . But the boy told the court that the girl had fallen and he was not responsible.
eskimo sitting in a kayak
Two eskimos sitting in a kayak were getting cold so they decided to light a fire in their boat. It promptly sank. Once again proving the adage that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too
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Two eskimos sitting in a kayak were getting cold so they decided to light a fire in their boat. It promptly sank. Once again proving the adage that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too
Man Catching Plenty of Fish
A man was fishing on the bank of a lake, catching plenty of fish. A another man was fishing further down on the the bank but wasn;'t catching any fish, so he walked over to the other man and asked him his secret for his fishing success. The man mumbled something, barely moving his lips and without opening his mouth. the other man asked again saying he could'nt make out what the man's secret was. Again he received a very mumbled response. The man did'nt give up, but addressed his query again. This time the successfule fisherman spat and responded..."always keep your worms warm!"
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A man was fishing on the bank of a lake, catching plenty of fish. A another man was fishing further down on the the bank but wasn;'t catching any fish, so he walked over to the other man and asked him his secret for his fishing success. The man mumbled something, barely moving his lips and without opening his mouth. the other man asked again saying he could'nt make out what the man's secret was. Again he received a very mumbled response. The man did'nt give up, but addressed his query again. This time the successfule fisherman spat and responded..."always keep your worms warm!"
The Priest That Loved To Stream Fish
There was a priest that loved to stream fish. One year there was a problem every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go. Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was perfect. The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon. The fly-fishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew. An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "You're not going to let him get away with this are you?". God agreed he should do something. The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout. Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing?". God replied "Think about it, who's he going to tell?"
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There was a priest that loved to stream fish. One year there was a problem every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go. Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was perfect. The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon. The fly-fishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew. An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said "You're not going to let him get away with this are you?". God agreed he should do something. The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout. Confused the angel asked God, "What are you doing?". God replied "Think about it, who's he going to tell?"
New Species of Fish
The Great Lakes Regional Fisheries Management released a bunch of Coho salmon into the lakes several years back. While they are doing fine, their need to swim into estuaries has created a problem, in that they lack a short burst of power needed to swim far enough into the estuary. Scientists found that if they bred the Coho with a Walleye, they would get that burst of strenght needed to clear the shallows in the estuaries and effectively breed. The new breed of fish is called the Cowal, to signify the breeding. This seemed to work rather well in the breeding, however, the Walleye, being a less aggressive fish, and a deeper living fish, needed to be more of a voracious feeder to grow sufficiently to survive. So the scientists breed that fish with a Muskie, clearly posessing the ferocity needed to eat and thrive. They named the new fish the Cowalski, and now they have to teach the damned thing how to swim
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The Great Lakes Regional Fisheries Management released a bunch of Coho salmon into the lakes several years back. While they are doing fine, their need to swim into estuaries has created a problem, in that they lack a short burst of power needed to swim far enough into the estuary. Scientists found that if they bred the Coho with a Walleye, they would get that burst of strenght needed to clear the shallows in the estuaries and effectively breed. The new breed of fish is called the Cowal, to signify the breeding. This seemed to work rather well in the breeding, however, the Walleye, being a less aggressive fish, and a deeper living fish, needed to be more of a voracious feeder to grow sufficiently to survive. So the scientists breed that fish with a Muskie, clearly posessing the ferocity needed to eat and thrive. They named the new fish the Cowalski, and now they have to teach the damned thing how to swim
very poor for fishing
It was well known that a certain lake was very poor for fishing up north, but a game warden happened to notice that one guy kept coming home with his limit of fish on several occations. He asked the guy: "How is it that you are catching fish out of that lake when no one else can?" The guy replied: "Well I am going back up there tommorow, why don't you come along?" And, so the warden did. They were in the boat when the fisherman reached over and lit a stick of dynamite and then tossed it overboard. BOOM!!! There were fish floating to the surface all over! The game warden freaked out, and said: "You can't do that! That's illeagal!" The fisherman reached over and lit another stick and said: "Are you going to fish, or talk?"
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It was well known that a certain lake was very poor for fishing up north, but a game warden happened to notice that one guy kept coming home with his limit of fish on several occations. He asked the guy: "How is it that you are catching fish out of that lake when no one else can?" The guy replied: "Well I am going back up there tommorow, why don't you come along?" And, so the warden did. They were in the boat when the fisherman reached over and lit a stick of dynamite and then tossed it overboard. BOOM!!! There were fish floating to the surface all over! The game warden freaked out, and said: "You can't do that! That's illeagal!" The fisherman reached over and lit another stick and said: "Are you going to fish, or talk?"
The fishing trip
Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing they don't catch a thing. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men finally catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?" "Wow!" says the othe guy "It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
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Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing they don't catch a thing. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men finally catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?" "Wow!" says the othe guy "It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
FISHERMEN
News
UFO drives Russian fisherman to drink
-- Fishermen in Russia say they have been driven
to drink by a UFO that regularly passes over them.
Fishermen near Yekaterinburg, western Russia, claim
to have repeatedly seen the small green UFO over the last two years.
Some locals admitted they become anxious when they see the object,
described by eyewitnesses as a small green object
the size of a light bulb and most recently sighted on June 20.
But local fishermen, who claim to see it more often than anyone else,
say that every time it passes over them they have an almost unquenchable
thirst for alcohol, ---Pravda.ru reported.--
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News
UFO drives Russian fisherman to drink
-- Fishermen in Russia say they have been driven
to drink by a UFO that regularly passes over them.
Fishermen near Yekaterinburg, western Russia, claim
to have repeatedly seen the small green UFO over the last two years.
Some locals admitted they become anxious when they see the object,
described by eyewitnesses as a small green object
the size of a light bulb and most recently sighted on June 20.
But local fishermen, who claim to see it more often than anyone else,
say that every time it passes over them they have an almost unquenchable
thirst for alcohol, ---Pravda.ru reported.--
FISHERMEN
Three old men are sittin' in a john boat
fishin a cove on a quiet sunday mornin'
when a funeral procession drives by.
One of the old men stands,
takes off his hat & puts it over his heart.
The procession winds its way around
the cove and dissapears over a hill.
The old man puts his hat back on,
sits down and continues fishing.
One of the other old timers sez
"Geeze Ed that was a thoughtful thing to do.
" Ed replies "It was the least I could do after 49 years of marriage."
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Three old men are sittin' in a john boat
fishin a cove on a quiet sunday mornin'
when a funeral procession drives by.
One of the old men stands,
takes off his hat & puts it over his heart.
The procession winds its way around
the cove and dissapears over a hill.
The old man puts his hat back on,
sits down and continues fishing.
One of the other old timers sez
"Geeze Ed that was a thoughtful thing to do.
" Ed replies "It was the least I could do after 49 years of marriage."
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HOT fishing spot
Paddy and Murphy had had a great days fishing
,and on the way back in to the shore
paddy said "gosh Murphy that was just fantastic.
Do you think we can find the same spot tomorrow?"
"Sure" said Murphy
"I put a cross on the side of the boat when we over the reef."
"Great" said Paddy.....
"Oh but Murhpy
how will we be sure of getting the same boat?"
Paddy and Murphy had had a great days fishing
,and on the way back in to the shore
paddy said "gosh Murphy that was just fantastic.
Do you think we can find the same spot tomorrow?"
"Sure" said Murphy
"I put a cross on the side of the boat when we over the reef."
"Great" said Paddy.....
"Oh but Murhpy
how will we be sure of getting the same boat?"
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News;Fish Swallows Dog
The following appeared recently in the Globe & Mail:
Forget about Dog Bites Man.
Today, we are dealing with Fish Swallows Dog,
an item which reaches us by way of Moscow.
The dog was swimming across the Pechora River to join its master when
it vanished, leaving only a ripple. The dog's master, who was fishing at the time,
hauled in his net and found it contained a giant pike.
He looked closely at its mouth and said to himself (probably) "Thereby hangs a tail." Yes, it was Fido (or the Russian equivalent).
The dog struggled out after the fish was cut open,
and, according to Radio Moscow, hurled itself at the pike,
"barking excitedly."
It is often difficult for fishermen to tell stories
about the one that got away.
In this case, Radio Moscow notwithstanding,
will it be any easier to tell about the one
that didn't?
The following appeared recently in the Globe & Mail:
Forget about Dog Bites Man.
Today, we are dealing with Fish Swallows Dog,
an item which reaches us by way of Moscow.
The dog was swimming across the Pechora River to join its master when
it vanished, leaving only a ripple. The dog's master, who was fishing at the time,
hauled in his net and found it contained a giant pike.
He looked closely at its mouth and said to himself (probably) "Thereby hangs a tail." Yes, it was Fido (or the Russian equivalent).
The dog struggled out after the fish was cut open,
and, according to Radio Moscow, hurled itself at the pike,
"barking excitedly."
It is often difficult for fishermen to tell stories
about the one that got away.
In this case, Radio Moscow notwithstanding,
will it be any easier to tell about the one
that didn't?
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Fishing pole for his birthday
There was this woman went to the store to buy her husband
a fishing pole for his birthday.She found the one she wanted
and went to the cashier who was blind and ask how much is this.
He said he dont know drop it on the floor and i can tell you.
She droped it and he said thats the spotsman model 32.
That will be $40.00.
She bent over to pick it up and she let out a big ol stinky loud fart.
She asked how much will it be and replied it will be $50.00,
she said i thought you said it was $40.00.
He said $40.00 for the sportsman model 32,
$7.50 for the duck call and $2.50 for the stink bait.
There was this woman went to the store to buy her husband
a fishing pole for his birthday.She found the one she wanted
and went to the cashier who was blind and ask how much is this.
He said he dont know drop it on the floor and i can tell you.
She droped it and he said thats the spotsman model 32.
That will be $40.00.
She bent over to pick it up and she let out a big ol stinky loud fart.
She asked how much will it be and replied it will be $50.00,
she said i thought you said it was $40.00.
He said $40.00 for the sportsman model 32,
$7.50 for the duck call and $2.50 for the stink bait.
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What did the fish say when he hit a wall?-------
Dam!
Where do shellfish gamble?
At the Clams Casino.
What kinds of doctors make fish look younger?
Plastic sturgeons.
What did the fish say when the pelican caught it?
P-OUCH.
How can you tell that a fish is playing hooky?
It isn't in school.
What kind of fish pray?
Holy Mackerel.
Dam!
Where do shellfish gamble?
At the Clams Casino.
What kinds of doctors make fish look younger?
Plastic sturgeons.
What did the fish say when the pelican caught it?
P-OUCH.
How can you tell that a fish is playing hooky?
It isn't in school.
What kind of fish pray?
Holy Mackerel.
